Amazing Broccoli Salad to Make for People You Like

Want to watch me make broccoli salad for the fantasy football draft I am attending tomorrow night? This broccoli salad tastes best after chilling for 24 hours, so I always try to make this the day before. Hre’s how you do it, for a crowd. Make broccoli salad, I mean.
First, like all good recipes, cook some bacon. Since this bacon is to be crumbled anyway, I chop it first.
That was a 16 ounce package of bacon for those of you keeping track at home.
Next, trim the trees. Or chop the broccoli, Dana Carvey-style. Your choice.
The wine glass is there for scale (and for my enjoyment). That’s how much broccoli you need.*
Ok, next chop half of a giant red onion. Or a whole tiny red onion. Or 2/3 of a medium red onion. It looks like this.
Some people like measuring.  Beware — it might be sad.
Onions are stupid.
Now put this stuff together.
Almost a cup of Splenda. But only sprinkle some in at a time.

Half a cup of reduced fat mayo. But don’t be cray and think that’s all the mayo that’s going in this concoction. It’s two cups, a half at a time for mixing purposes. And put a bunch of the onions in. And about two capfuls of vinegar. I used apple cider but I don’t really care what kind you use. Also, add fresh ground pepper each time you add the mayo. I took that picture before I added the pepper. Pretend there is pepper in there.

Add 8 oz of cheese because cheese. Add a bunch of the crumbled bacon. You crumbled that, right?

Looking delish.

Rinse and repeat the mayo/splenda/pepper/capful of vinegar dance until you’ve done this four times total with a half cup mayo each time. And make sure the rest of the onions and bacon gets in there. (STOP EATING THE BACON. PUT IT IN THE BOWL.)

Then add another half package of cheddar because CHEESE. But just a half.

Stir, stir, stir. I usually need to separate it and stir in another bowl.

Then put it back together for that magic.

This yummy (not at all healthy) broccoli salad is my go-to ‘please bring a side’-side. If I like the people I am visting, anyway. If I don’t, I’m probably just going to buy some macaroni salad at Harris Teeter on the way to the loser’s party. And then I’ll leave early.

*I don’t possess the skills to cook for less than ten people. Since my husband and I live alone most of the year, we usually have leftovers.

**My husband who reads cookbooks for fun and reads recipes ALL THE WAY THROUGH suggested I mix the Splenda and vinegar and mayo together first, in a seperate bowl. This sounds smart. I think you should try it.